Yes, yes, yes. And you'd think a guy in a "wife led" marriage would like V-day. Not so! Oh the stress...LOL And it's a few days after our anniversary so I get gouged if I try to buy anything romantic (flowers, etc.)
First off - Wife led? I don't think that exist.
Oh, my friend. You were not reading. Tell your wife that Valentine's Day could be any day - you love her that much. Then, step up your game for the next few months and show her how amazing she is. You will never need flowers again.
You have brought up an interesting point - the anniversary.
What is this? A day that marks a joining of two people? A wedding? A first date? Whatever it is, it is a celebration of two people finding each other. Why do we corrupt it with flowers and chocolate? Does your wife REALLY, realllly like flowers? Or has she been brainwashed into thinking that flowers=love?
They don't. I love when Bryan brings Stella flowers. Yes. He brings my dog flowers. Not me. I think that is precious. But he could bring her pork rawhide chews. I wouldn't care. So, dear man, let's put our big boy thinking caps on.
What can you do that is not dictated by the morons at Hallmark or Hershey's?
a. send her to the spa for a mani/pedi. Schedule it for about 3-4 pm. While she's gone, cook her dinner. And do the shopping. (DO NOT DO THE CHORES! This reminds her of all the shit she does for you and the family.) Just food. And make it sexy. Lobster. New Potatoes. French bread. Zucchini. The more phallic, the better.
b. Take her somewhere. Anywhere. If she scrapbooks, take her to Michael's or Hobby Lobby. If he runs, find a fun trail. Jazz club, antique mall. And don't bitch about being there - and don't just stand there. Participate. Help her find something, request her song from the band, do something!
c. When all else fails: orgasms. orgasms. orgasms.
Add to this, readers.
I hope this gets the wheels turning, if slowly. Be creative, but don't do the usual!
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
Friday, January 22, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
January 15, 2010 Let's ban Valentine's Day
Yeah, I'm startin' early on this one.
I hate this holiday more than any of the other 365.25 days of the year. I think that we should make the 14th of February the Leap Year day.
So I have one month to campaign to RID THE WORLD OF VALENTINE'S DAY - more commonly known as Singles Awareness Day. I hate this day for several reasons:
1. If you are single, this is a day where you are shunned. This is the no brainer. The only way this holiday is redeemed is if someone throws a hook up party and every single shows up, gets wasted and has sex with strangers. But that gets awkward in your 30's.
2. I look like hell in pink and red. My skin suddenly takes on the color of a jaundice victim. And when everyone at my work is covered in red wool sweaters and pink ties, the reflection off my face is frightening.
3. Chocolate and champagne. Both are like having sex with a hot cop. It sounded like a really good idea to do that all night, but in the morning...you will regret it.
4. The cards. Ohhhhh, the cards. I don't know who writes V-day cards, but they should be unemployed. a) the poems are terrible b) if you need someone to write it for you - you need to break up with her. All V-day cards (if the holiday stays in existence) should be blank on the inside. We don't send love letters anymore, at least think of your own shit to say once a year.
5. Eating out is a chore. Have you ever decided to 'eat out for v-day"? What a terrible idea! You better make reservations early, especially if it falls on a weekend. And then it is you and 40 other couples possible ingesting undercooked chicken because the cook in the back is single and pissed. You ended having mad belly all night and dosing off during snuggle time because you ate too make rolls and are in a carb-coma.
6. No one should tell you to stop and be in love with your lover. Not even a saint. It should happen every day. I know. I've only been in this for 2 months and balabhbaablh, but I swear, if I ever start taking for granted what Bryan does for me, smack me in the face. I shouldn't have a day a year when I am forced to remember to match my panties to my bra or for him to light a candle. V-day should look like any other day and still be romantic and loving.
7. Cupid. What a lame mascot. If I am having sex on Valentine's Day, the LAST symbol I want in my head...is the picture of a baby.
So let's ban together and ban Valentine's Day! Hallmark might try to assassinate me, but I think we can do it.
Or, pick a day other than the 14th to be glad you are single or happy you are in love.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
I hate this holiday more than any of the other 365.25 days of the year. I think that we should make the 14th of February the Leap Year day.
So I have one month to campaign to RID THE WORLD OF VALENTINE'S DAY - more commonly known as Singles Awareness Day. I hate this day for several reasons:
1. If you are single, this is a day where you are shunned. This is the no brainer. The only way this holiday is redeemed is if someone throws a hook up party and every single shows up, gets wasted and has sex with strangers. But that gets awkward in your 30's.
2. I look like hell in pink and red. My skin suddenly takes on the color of a jaundice victim. And when everyone at my work is covered in red wool sweaters and pink ties, the reflection off my face is frightening.
3. Chocolate and champagne. Both are like having sex with a hot cop. It sounded like a really good idea to do that all night, but in the morning...you will regret it.
4. The cards. Ohhhhh, the cards. I don't know who writes V-day cards, but they should be unemployed. a) the poems are terrible b) if you need someone to write it for you - you need to break up with her. All V-day cards (if the holiday stays in existence) should be blank on the inside. We don't send love letters anymore, at least think of your own shit to say once a year.
5. Eating out is a chore. Have you ever decided to 'eat out for v-day"? What a terrible idea! You better make reservations early, especially if it falls on a weekend. And then it is you and 40 other couples possible ingesting undercooked chicken because the cook in the back is single and pissed. You ended having mad belly all night and dosing off during snuggle time because you ate too make rolls and are in a carb-coma.
6. No one should tell you to stop and be in love with your lover. Not even a saint. It should happen every day. I know. I've only been in this for 2 months and balabhbaablh, but I swear, if I ever start taking for granted what Bryan does for me, smack me in the face. I shouldn't have a day a year when I am forced to remember to match my panties to my bra or for him to light a candle. V-day should look like any other day and still be romantic and loving.
7. Cupid. What a lame mascot. If I am having sex on Valentine's Day, the LAST symbol I want in my head...is the picture of a baby.
So let's ban together and ban Valentine's Day! Hallmark might try to assassinate me, but I think we can do it.
Or, pick a day other than the 14th to be glad you are single or happy you are in love.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
Friday, January 8, 2010
January 8, 2010 or sorry
Sorry 'bout that.
It’s happened.
I’ve become a couple person. God! I spend most of my time on the phone with Bryan, going out to dinner with Bryan, hanging out with Bryan, snuggling Bryan. I am not complaining. It is amazing. He’s amazing. Christmas holiday was the best I’ve ever had. New Year’s was a blast…both before and after midnight. And 2010 keeps getting better.
But, yeah, part of me kinda hates myself. True - I’m in my six month phase. I’m allowed. I also know that my phone won’t ring as much because people who want to go out will say, “Well, she’s probably hanging out with Bryan.” Which is true. I probably am. I’m a couple. But once upon a time, two months ago, I was singleton who loved and hated being single. I don’t want to be the annoying couple person. So, couple people, follow these resolution steps with me. And single friends, call me on it when I break these…which I probably will:
1. Quit your bitchin’. I have to be the person who calls my friends to say, “Hey! I want to go out!” I can’t pout that no one calls me anymore. I’m the one that has changed my schedule and habits. Not them. It’s my duty to keep in touch. People who find love, get married and have babies and then complain that the single people don’t call them fuckin’ piss me off. You have to be home to cook dinner by 7 or change diapers by 9. And that’s great. Good for you, but single people are 3 am people. They don’t have to play on your schedule! You come to them. And never complain to a single 30 year old that your baby or husband takes up your time. You might get slapped.
2. Don’t talk about him/her all the time. I have to watch not to talk about Bryan constantly. This is hard because he’s perfect, and I did do it for the first month. But I also need to remember that not everyone else is in love with him, just me. Well - some other people might be and I don’t blame them, but my friends don’t want to hear what bagel Bryan chose at breakfast and what gas he pumped into his car. Just me. And they might have stories to tell me. I love a good story, guys. Tell me them!
3. Don’t try to rid the world of singles. I have to try not to solve the “single problem.” I was the victim of this for many years. “I’m sooooo happy in my coupleness! Hurrrrray! You could be as happy as meeeeeeee!” This led to many set ups, one night stands, and tortuous blind dates that made me question my friends’ taste in men and what they thought of me. I will not set up a friend unless I have been asked by ‘said friend’ to set them up. I will not tell single people to get a mate because they need to join the couple cult in order to find true happiness. I loved being single. I love being with Bryan. You can be happy doing both.
4. Fly solo sometimes. Bryan and I go to church together, we are going to a birthday party together tomorrow, Happy Birthday Carolina! And we did do the entire Christmas holiday together. But your friends sometimes just want you. If your friend says she wants to grab dinner with you, she means you. Just you. If you are not sure, ask first. “Is this a girl’s/guys only thing?” Don’t ask “Is it okaaaay if Bryan cooomes?” That makes the single person feel like an asshole. “No! He’s not allowed!” That just sounds rude. And think about it before you go draggin' him everywhere. Remember, your boyfriend/wife/ etc. may not actually WANT to go with you everywhere either. He might have plans.
Good Luck.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
It’s happened.
I’ve become a couple person. God! I spend most of my time on the phone with Bryan, going out to dinner with Bryan, hanging out with Bryan, snuggling Bryan. I am not complaining. It is amazing. He’s amazing. Christmas holiday was the best I’ve ever had. New Year’s was a blast…both before and after midnight. And 2010 keeps getting better.
But, yeah, part of me kinda hates myself. True - I’m in my six month phase. I’m allowed. I also know that my phone won’t ring as much because people who want to go out will say, “Well, she’s probably hanging out with Bryan.” Which is true. I probably am. I’m a couple. But once upon a time, two months ago, I was singleton who loved and hated being single. I don’t want to be the annoying couple person. So, couple people, follow these resolution steps with me. And single friends, call me on it when I break these…which I probably will:
1. Quit your bitchin’. I have to be the person who calls my friends to say, “Hey! I want to go out!” I can’t pout that no one calls me anymore. I’m the one that has changed my schedule and habits. Not them. It’s my duty to keep in touch. People who find love, get married and have babies and then complain that the single people don’t call them fuckin’ piss me off. You have to be home to cook dinner by 7 or change diapers by 9. And that’s great. Good for you, but single people are 3 am people. They don’t have to play on your schedule! You come to them. And never complain to a single 30 year old that your baby or husband takes up your time. You might get slapped.
2. Don’t talk about him/her all the time. I have to watch not to talk about Bryan constantly. This is hard because he’s perfect, and I did do it for the first month. But I also need to remember that not everyone else is in love with him, just me. Well - some other people might be and I don’t blame them, but my friends don’t want to hear what bagel Bryan chose at breakfast and what gas he pumped into his car. Just me. And they might have stories to tell me. I love a good story, guys. Tell me them!
3. Don’t try to rid the world of singles. I have to try not to solve the “single problem.” I was the victim of this for many years. “I’m sooooo happy in my coupleness! Hurrrrray! You could be as happy as meeeeeeee!” This led to many set ups, one night stands, and tortuous blind dates that made me question my friends’ taste in men and what they thought of me. I will not set up a friend unless I have been asked by ‘said friend’ to set them up. I will not tell single people to get a mate because they need to join the couple cult in order to find true happiness. I loved being single. I love being with Bryan. You can be happy doing both.
4. Fly solo sometimes. Bryan and I go to church together, we are going to a birthday party together tomorrow, Happy Birthday Carolina! And we did do the entire Christmas holiday together. But your friends sometimes just want you. If your friend says she wants to grab dinner with you, she means you. Just you. If you are not sure, ask first. “Is this a girl’s/guys only thing?” Don’t ask “Is it okaaaay if Bryan cooomes?” That makes the single person feel like an asshole. “No! He’s not allowed!” That just sounds rude. And think about it before you go draggin' him everywhere. Remember, your boyfriend/wife/ etc. may not actually WANT to go with you everywhere either. He might have plans.
Good Luck.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
Friday, December 11, 2009
December 11, 2009 Survival Kit 2009
Yes. He's still perfect.
There is a winter dilemma that occurs in Saint Louis. I am sure it happens across America, but I only speak for my own city. When Jack Frost comes into town, one of two things happen. People go out or people go in.
In the summer, you can strap on your running shoes and hit Forest Park. In the time it takes you to run one mile, you have smiled at about 10 guys. Who are also running. With their dogs. The ones with dogs stop and talk if you have a dog. Stella's my best pickup line.
You can sit outside a coffee shop on a lovely evening and people watch with your girlfriends. If you make eye contact and smile, often a man will stop and chat, maybe even pull up a chair. There are outdoor concerts, road trips, backyard bbq's, float trips down the river, and of course, Cardinals baseball games. All prime male meeting opportunities.
But after the fertile months, there are two places to be: at home or at the bars. You sit by yourself with a cat reading a good book or you are stuck in a smoky bar remembering that you are not 25 any more and these jeans that used to fit are cutting your stomach in half when you sit down. And the hangovers don't help either.
Add to this the holiday family get togethers where you are chronically reminded that you are single and childless, the 15 lbs you gain because people are assholes and give singles candy and cookies and booze for the holidays, the girls nights or recipe exchanges where no boys are allowed, and that if your skin is like mine, it turns the color of a jaundice victim's, and you have a cocktail for a lonely, depressing winter.
We need to fix this. Not for me. I've fallen. But, no matter what happens with the fellow, I will always hope to be the voice of the single person. And so I present the Winter Survival Guide. I will try to come up with ways in which we can expand the freezing horizon and see what we can do about this epidemic.
1. Have single parties. I love girl nights. They are great. Have them on weeknights. On the weekends, gather all the single people you know, and the single people that those single people know, and so on. Aim for 40 people. Don't plan a "get wasted" party, but a real one. Get games (ooh, Twister...oh the possibilities)! Buy a karaoke machine! Fuck - get an empty glass bottle and spin it. Whatever, just get the single people out of the house. Do not invite the couples. I know. That's me now, but if the couples and marrieds are your REAL friends, they will understand that this is a part of the hunt, so they can rent a movie and stay in. You have a job to do. That way, there are no wedding plans/pictures, baby pics, or girl/guy groups huddled together watching the game or talking about Edward. The singles must interact and go home together.
2. Singles Snowball fight. Ok. The couples can come. But put them on a team, against the singles. Yes! That way, the single girl can "accidentally" "fall" on the single guy. And they can have that "accidental" "fall" moment like you see in the movies. "OOooh suddenly I have landed perfectly parallel on your body, and our faces are half an inch apart! Wheee!" They have to work together. To destroy the marrieds. We can get our frustrations out while meeting new people. The only problem with this is that we have to wait for a snow storm. Patience little ones...
I will think of more. Add what you will.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
There is a winter dilemma that occurs in Saint Louis. I am sure it happens across America, but I only speak for my own city. When Jack Frost comes into town, one of two things happen. People go out or people go in.
In the summer, you can strap on your running shoes and hit Forest Park. In the time it takes you to run one mile, you have smiled at about 10 guys. Who are also running. With their dogs. The ones with dogs stop and talk if you have a dog. Stella's my best pickup line.
You can sit outside a coffee shop on a lovely evening and people watch with your girlfriends. If you make eye contact and smile, often a man will stop and chat, maybe even pull up a chair. There are outdoor concerts, road trips, backyard bbq's, float trips down the river, and of course, Cardinals baseball games. All prime male meeting opportunities.
But after the fertile months, there are two places to be: at home or at the bars. You sit by yourself with a cat reading a good book or you are stuck in a smoky bar remembering that you are not 25 any more and these jeans that used to fit are cutting your stomach in half when you sit down. And the hangovers don't help either.
Add to this the holiday family get togethers where you are chronically reminded that you are single and childless, the 15 lbs you gain because people are assholes and give singles candy and cookies and booze for the holidays, the girls nights or recipe exchanges where no boys are allowed, and that if your skin is like mine, it turns the color of a jaundice victim's, and you have a cocktail for a lonely, depressing winter.
We need to fix this. Not for me. I've fallen. But, no matter what happens with the fellow, I will always hope to be the voice of the single person. And so I present the Winter Survival Guide. I will try to come up with ways in which we can expand the freezing horizon and see what we can do about this epidemic.
1. Have single parties. I love girl nights. They are great. Have them on weeknights. On the weekends, gather all the single people you know, and the single people that those single people know, and so on. Aim for 40 people. Don't plan a "get wasted" party, but a real one. Get games (ooh, Twister...oh the possibilities)! Buy a karaoke machine! Fuck - get an empty glass bottle and spin it. Whatever, just get the single people out of the house. Do not invite the couples. I know. That's me now, but if the couples and marrieds are your REAL friends, they will understand that this is a part of the hunt, so they can rent a movie and stay in. You have a job to do. That way, there are no wedding plans/pictures, baby pics, or girl/guy groups huddled together watching the game or talking about Edward. The singles must interact and go home together.
2. Singles Snowball fight. Ok. The couples can come. But put them on a team, against the singles. Yes! That way, the single girl can "accidentally" "fall" on the single guy. And they can have that "accidental" "fall" moment like you see in the movies. "OOooh suddenly I have landed perfectly parallel on your body, and our faces are half an inch apart! Wheee!" They have to work together. To destroy the marrieds. We can get our frustrations out while meeting new people. The only problem with this is that we have to wait for a snow storm. Patience little ones...
I will think of more. Add what you will.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
Friday, December 4, 2009
December 4, 2009 or Twilight
Where do I start?
I called him on Tuesday to chat.
"Hey, what're you up to?"
"I am forty-four minutes into Twilight."
If this was taken out of context, it would for sure be a crazy card. But I will explain:
I had the pig flu, as most of you know, and as I was healing, my girlfriends were preparing to venture to the cinema to enjoy New Moon. Unfortunately, I was coughing so badly that I bowed out of going as to not annoy the Team Eds and Jakes.
So Bryan (of his own volition) said that since I wasn't able to go see New Moon with my girls that he would go with me so I could see it in the theaters. Mind you, I did not suggest this. Swear. He went to Family Video and check out the first Twilight so that he could know what the hell was going on.
I think he might be perfect. He likes me, my dog, my parents and Jesus.
And that is why... I am keeping him all to myself. This will be the only blog about him. It is not really fair to him that I just spill out our relationship. I did it before with the other guys, but I didn't give a flying fart about them. This one, I do. So, the blog is going on hiatus for a bit with my love life. Ironic since this is a blog about my love life. Don't worry, I will always have plenty to talk about, but just not Bryan.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
I called him on Tuesday to chat.
"Hey, what're you up to?"
"I am forty-four minutes into Twilight."
If this was taken out of context, it would for sure be a crazy card. But I will explain:
I had the pig flu, as most of you know, and as I was healing, my girlfriends were preparing to venture to the cinema to enjoy New Moon. Unfortunately, I was coughing so badly that I bowed out of going as to not annoy the Team Eds and Jakes.
So Bryan (of his own volition) said that since I wasn't able to go see New Moon with my girls that he would go with me so I could see it in the theaters. Mind you, I did not suggest this. Swear. He went to Family Video and check out the first Twilight so that he could know what the hell was going on.
I think he might be perfect. He likes me, my dog, my parents and Jesus.
And that is why... I am keeping him all to myself. This will be the only blog about him. It is not really fair to him that I just spill out our relationship. I did it before with the other guys, but I didn't give a flying fart about them. This one, I do. So, the blog is going on hiatus for a bit with my love life. Ironic since this is a blog about my love life. Don't worry, I will always have plenty to talk about, but just not Bryan.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
Thursday, November 19, 2009
November 19, 2009 or Oink Oink.
Pardon this blog. I’m drinking whiskey.
I have the swine flu. Whee. It is actually a mild case. Basically I have the flu with a nasty little name attached. But the problem is that I not only have H1N1, but I also have one of my two busiest weeks of the year at work. One of my biggest events of the year is happening right now, and I am stuck on my couch - sweating.
Oh, and the date. Yes. I have swine flu, a huge event happening and a date on Sunday...and Friday.
Stella and I have a date. I think God is truly crackin’ up on this one. Let’s bullet the events of this week.
Last Thursday: Find out from Spencer that we are running a 5k on Thanksgiving Day. I run at the gym. For some reason, I am really tired after 2 miles of running. Oh well. I have 2 weeks.
Last Friday: Meet a great guy, Bryan. Bryan’s stats: He’s a college professor of science, he owns a home and a cabin, he is SMOKIN’ HOT (good looking and gray-haired….grrr), he’s the daddy to Travis…a golden retriever, and he is into me like I’m into high heels.
Last weekend: Work at work all weekend.
Monday: Talk to Bryan for 2 hours on the phone. He asks me out on a date. A doggie walking date with Travis and Stella on Sunday.
Tuesday: I run 3.4 miles on the treadmill after work. I look like Grimace from McD’s by the end; berry purple. I feel like shit for some reason. I have a huge event at work this weekend. One of my two major events of the year. I run to Target get Nyquil and throat spray and call in for work that evening. I figure I will go to the doctor in the morning, grab some antibiotics and get back to planning.
Wednesday: The doctor informs me at 8 am that I have H1N1. Swine flu. I am not allowed back to work until Monday.
Wednesday night: Bryan tells me that if he can…he would like to come to my big event for work and “see me in action” on Friday night. FRIDAY! Fuckity fuck.
Wednesday night: I run to the store and buy 4 gallons of orange juice, a bottle of whiskey, ice cream, a humidifier and lots of hot tea bags in an effort to beat the shit out of the swine flu by Friday night.
Thursday: Watch a Golden Girls marathon all day while alternating Nyquil, OJ, Moose tracks ice cream, OJ and Jack Daniels. Fever is reduced to 99* F by noon. If is hold off, I am good to go for Friday and Sunday.
This is my life. This is why I am the way I am.
Tomorrow is going to be very interesting. I will let you know. Either way, it will be entertaining…
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
I have the swine flu. Whee. It is actually a mild case. Basically I have the flu with a nasty little name attached. But the problem is that I not only have H1N1, but I also have one of my two busiest weeks of the year at work. One of my biggest events of the year is happening right now, and I am stuck on my couch - sweating.
Oh, and the date. Yes. I have swine flu, a huge event happening and a date on Sunday...and Friday.
Stella and I have a date. I think God is truly crackin’ up on this one. Let’s bullet the events of this week.
Last Thursday: Find out from Spencer that we are running a 5k on Thanksgiving Day. I run at the gym. For some reason, I am really tired after 2 miles of running. Oh well. I have 2 weeks.
Last Friday: Meet a great guy, Bryan. Bryan’s stats: He’s a college professor of science, he owns a home and a cabin, he is SMOKIN’ HOT (good looking and gray-haired….grrr), he’s the daddy to Travis…a golden retriever, and he is into me like I’m into high heels.
Last weekend: Work at work all weekend.
Monday: Talk to Bryan for 2 hours on the phone. He asks me out on a date. A doggie walking date with Travis and Stella on Sunday.
Tuesday: I run 3.4 miles on the treadmill after work. I look like Grimace from McD’s by the end; berry purple. I feel like shit for some reason. I have a huge event at work this weekend. One of my two major events of the year. I run to Target get Nyquil and throat spray and call in for work that evening. I figure I will go to the doctor in the morning, grab some antibiotics and get back to planning.
Wednesday: The doctor informs me at 8 am that I have H1N1. Swine flu. I am not allowed back to work until Monday.
Wednesday night: Bryan tells me that if he can…he would like to come to my big event for work and “see me in action” on Friday night. FRIDAY! Fuckity fuck.
Wednesday night: I run to the store and buy 4 gallons of orange juice, a bottle of whiskey, ice cream, a humidifier and lots of hot tea bags in an effort to beat the shit out of the swine flu by Friday night.
Thursday: Watch a Golden Girls marathon all day while alternating Nyquil, OJ, Moose tracks ice cream, OJ and Jack Daniels. Fever is reduced to 99* F by noon. If is hold off, I am good to go for Friday and Sunday.
This is my life. This is why I am the way I am.
Tomorrow is going to be very interesting. I will let you know. Either way, it will be entertaining…
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
Friday, November 13, 2009
November 13, 2009 or The holiday single.
As the holidays are coming up I would like to remind people of the plight of the single person during the holidays. I love the holidays and I love my family, but being single adds a level of stress to the time that can make some unmarried and childless people stressed. So, do you do these things to your single family members?
1. Travel: Is the single person’s house even considered for any visit where the entire family comes together? Or does the single person automatically hop into their car anytime there is an event: Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and New Years? Let’s try it this way – if singles could charge mileage for holidays…how much would you owe them? How much would they owe you?
2. Sleeping Arrangements: Is the couch the automatic destination for the single? Or the bunk bed with the kid? I know I know. You are saying – “Well two people can get a bed and only one a couch…” Has your husband ever considered sleeping on the couch so that you can share the bed with the single, so they don’t have to have migraines and colds all weekend because they slept on a 20 year old couch with a throw pillow and afghan? I have a friend whose parents decided to take the whole fam on vacation, fully paid. Her sister and her husband and family got a full suite to themselves. She…she has to stay with her parents in a one room. They said they didn’t want to waste money giving her whole hotel room to herself. Explain this to me if you can….
3. Gifts: Singles get screwed. Which is weird, since we usually make the least amount of money. I love giving gifts to my family, and I am no longer broke, but for some people this is hard. How many of you get gifts from a single for you, your spouse, and all of your kids? How many of you give one gift to the single? We always get this. It sounds silly, but $40 for each person in your family adds up. Then we get a candle. And don’t forget…all the showers we went to for you. Please, be generous to your single. They have been giving to you. Think about it. (Not you Grace and Audrey…I don’t care. Really.)
4. Babysitting. People. I love my nephew with all of my heart. We are kindred spirits. And I would do anything for him. But sometimes we singles like to have adult conversations over the holidays instead of playing blocks in the kids’ rooms. Maybe even some tequila shots...mmmmmm
Singles...add away.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
Friday, November 6, 2009
November 6, 2009 or Matt.
First of all, I would like to write as a reminder to some of my lovely readers that this is a blog for entertainment. If you would like to give smug advice about how you are perfect and the characters in this blog are not and are trampy because we are single and you are in a long term relationship - go get your own blog. I'm sure it will be really popular.
Having said that...hold on to your hats because I have a story.
I had been emailing this cop, Matt since August, but he was working nights and we kind of fell out of communication. I didn't lose any sleep over it, but was pleasantly surprised when he sent me an email that he was now working days and would still love to take me out sometime.
Thursday, I got home from a daunting day at work and barely said hello to Stella and Maggie when I remembered that I told Matt I would call him that night. Being that I was going out to The Hideaway at 9, and it was already 7, I thought at least I could call and set up something for next week. As with most of my conversations, this is best put to dialogue.
*Ring Ring*
M: Hello?
P: Hi! Is this Matt?
M: Um. yeah.
P: It's Pauline.
M: Oh, Hey. What are you doing right now?
P: Oh, heh, heh. Just got home from a long day at work, what abou-
M: Yeah, but what are you doing RIGHT NOW?
P: Sorry?
M: Are you free?
(Pauline's hair is attacking her face from the daunting day at work and her clothes are covered with coffee stains and pen marks for the same reason.)
P: No.
M: Come on. Let's meet right now.
P: (Imagining how long it can take to look human again.) I have plans at 9. Soooo, maybe we can plan for next week. Coffee or a drin-
M:Now. I will get you to your girl date by 9. Let's just meet up, grab a beer and get that first date over with.
P: (Panicking internally) Sure. Why not, right? Heh. Heh.
M: Alright, I will meet you at Malle's in...how far do you live from Malle's?
P: 3 minutes.
M: See you in 3 min. (Click)
So I ran through my house throwing my hair in a bun and a clean shirt on my body. Two swipes of mascara and I was out the door.
I got to Malle's at the exact same time as Matt. Matt popped out of his Pontiac with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. Aside from the cigarette, he was hot. Really hot. Sandy brown hair swished in a mess do, green eyes and a lean cop body. We chatted outside in the drizzle while Matt finished sucking on his stick and went inside. Malle's was pretty much empty except for two pretty hot dudes at the end of the bar. Matt ordered two beers and paid for it. Ok. That's a start.
We started chatting for a while as he began chain smoking and I started working on my beer. Well, he started chatting. I mainly listened and nodded my head as he regaled me with stories of kicking citizens' asses. "Yeah. I took this one punk down with my elbow and it looks legit, but I was totally chocking him out. Ha!"
Then he started talking about how he was in college.
Ready?
M: Yeah, I mean I used to skip my classes but I would come in for the tests and get better grades than everyone else. I'm just way smarter.
P: Where'd you go to college?
M: Truman State.
P: Oh, wow. So did I -
M: Hmm. I'm surprised we never fucked...
(Pauline gapes.)
P: !
M: I mean...look at you. Look at me...Come on! How'd this not happen?
P: !
M: But anyway. I could just never do what you do.
P: Oh, gosh. Thanks.
M: Yeah, I would just end up beating up the guys and sleeping with the girls.
P: Oh. Look at that! It's 8:45. I gotta run.
M:I'm not done with me beer.
P: Mine's empty. Take you time.
And I thought that would be it. I busted out of that bar without even a hug. As I was talking on the phone to Mellie about the date, my text message tone sounded.
"Hang on. I have a text." I looked at the message which was from Matt. All it said was, "sup?"
I ignored it. Another text came a few minutes later. "I might meet up with you."
I responded, "Oh, umm, it's kind of a girl's nite thing. Raincheck."
Another text from Matt, "aight."
After I talked to Mellie for a bit, I headed over to The Hideaway to listen to Oliver's sweet tunes. I was sitting at the bar when I received five more texts from Matt begging to meet up with me that night. Thank goodness he didn't know where The Hideaway is. I guess that's why they call it the Hideaway.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
Having said that...hold on to your hats because I have a story.
I had been emailing this cop, Matt since August, but he was working nights and we kind of fell out of communication. I didn't lose any sleep over it, but was pleasantly surprised when he sent me an email that he was now working days and would still love to take me out sometime.
Thursday, I got home from a daunting day at work and barely said hello to Stella and Maggie when I remembered that I told Matt I would call him that night. Being that I was going out to The Hideaway at 9, and it was already 7, I thought at least I could call and set up something for next week. As with most of my conversations, this is best put to dialogue.
*Ring Ring*
M: Hello?
P: Hi! Is this Matt?
M: Um. yeah.
P: It's Pauline.
M: Oh, Hey. What are you doing right now?
P: Oh, heh, heh. Just got home from a long day at work, what abou-
M: Yeah, but what are you doing RIGHT NOW?
P: Sorry?
M: Are you free?
(Pauline's hair is attacking her face from the daunting day at work and her clothes are covered with coffee stains and pen marks for the same reason.)
P: No.
M: Come on. Let's meet right now.
P: (Imagining how long it can take to look human again.) I have plans at 9. Soooo, maybe we can plan for next week. Coffee or a drin-
M:Now. I will get you to your girl date by 9. Let's just meet up, grab a beer and get that first date over with.
P: (Panicking internally) Sure. Why not, right? Heh. Heh.
M: Alright, I will meet you at Malle's in...how far do you live from Malle's?
P: 3 minutes.
M: See you in 3 min. (Click)
So I ran through my house throwing my hair in a bun and a clean shirt on my body. Two swipes of mascara and I was out the door.
I got to Malle's at the exact same time as Matt. Matt popped out of his Pontiac with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. Aside from the cigarette, he was hot. Really hot. Sandy brown hair swished in a mess do, green eyes and a lean cop body. We chatted outside in the drizzle while Matt finished sucking on his stick and went inside. Malle's was pretty much empty except for two pretty hot dudes at the end of the bar. Matt ordered two beers and paid for it. Ok. That's a start.
We started chatting for a while as he began chain smoking and I started working on my beer. Well, he started chatting. I mainly listened and nodded my head as he regaled me with stories of kicking citizens' asses. "Yeah. I took this one punk down with my elbow and it looks legit, but I was totally chocking him out. Ha!"
Then he started talking about how he was in college.
Ready?
M: Yeah, I mean I used to skip my classes but I would come in for the tests and get better grades than everyone else. I'm just way smarter.
P: Where'd you go to college?
M: Truman State.
P: Oh, wow. So did I -
M: Hmm. I'm surprised we never fucked...
(Pauline gapes.)
P: !
M: I mean...look at you. Look at me...Come on! How'd this not happen?
P: !
M: But anyway. I could just never do what you do.
P: Oh, gosh. Thanks.
M: Yeah, I would just end up beating up the guys and sleeping with the girls.
P: Oh. Look at that! It's 8:45. I gotta run.
M:I'm not done with me beer.
P: Mine's empty. Take you time.
And I thought that would be it. I busted out of that bar without even a hug. As I was talking on the phone to Mellie about the date, my text message tone sounded.
"Hang on. I have a text." I looked at the message which was from Matt. All it said was, "sup?"
I ignored it. Another text came a few minutes later. "I might meet up with you."
I responded, "Oh, umm, it's kind of a girl's nite thing. Raincheck."
Another text from Matt, "aight."
After I talked to Mellie for a bit, I headed over to The Hideaway to listen to Oliver's sweet tunes. I was sitting at the bar when I received five more texts from Matt begging to meet up with me that night. Thank goodness he didn't know where The Hideaway is. I guess that's why they call it the Hideaway.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
Thursday, October 29, 2009
October 29, 2009 or Serious Trial and Error.
Mellie was doing interracialmatch.com. Mellie met Randall. Randall had his life together, was a large black man, and was really into Mellie. He used terms like "baby girl" but all in all, was a gentleman.
Mellie was not feeling it. And since Randall seemed like such a good catch and because Mellie was not feeling it she decided she needed to try him on for size...Saturday night, Randall invited Mellie over for dinner -at his place.
The Ultimate Trial and Error. In order to see if there was ever going to be a possibility for chemistry, she slept with him. Twice. In one night. Not because she wanted to, but because she felt she had to.
It didn't help. She broke up with him. The next night, she went to her old hookup's house and had great sex all night. In his mama's basement. On a pool table.
When Mellie told me this story, several thoughts ran through my mind.
Is this what it has come to for us single thirty-somethings? Are we in such a rush to find the right person that we will fast forward parts of the relationship that will test chemistry immediately? What used to happen in six months now needs to happen in two dates.
But the risk of this is that chemistry is a dangerous little trick. You know who I have chemistry with? Losers. Mellie's the same. A lot of us are. In the rush to feel the rush, we fall for guys that have charisma, sexy eyes, smooth voices, minimum wage jobs, mama issues, commitment phobias, and more interest in their cars than their 401K's.
But hand me a sweet, responsible, intelligent God-fearing man, I will give him about fifteen minutes of my time before I shove him to the side in pursuit of shivers up my spine.
There have to HAVE TO be men out there that have their shit together and are still attractive to the opposite sex. Where are they?!?! I am losing my mind and several of my morals in this quest. Obama needs to skip health care and instead focus on a law that requires all quality, single men and women to be put in a line up where we can just look at each other. It would be a law so there would not the be the stigma of online dating or set ups. You have to do it or you get shot. Period. That would be lovely.
Now I must go and write my congresswoman.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
PS. enjoy your halloweeen!
Mellie was not feeling it. And since Randall seemed like such a good catch and because Mellie was not feeling it she decided she needed to try him on for size...Saturday night, Randall invited Mellie over for dinner -at his place.
The Ultimate Trial and Error. In order to see if there was ever going to be a possibility for chemistry, she slept with him. Twice. In one night. Not because she wanted to, but because she felt she had to.
It didn't help. She broke up with him. The next night, she went to her old hookup's house and had great sex all night. In his mama's basement. On a pool table.
When Mellie told me this story, several thoughts ran through my mind.
Is this what it has come to for us single thirty-somethings? Are we in such a rush to find the right person that we will fast forward parts of the relationship that will test chemistry immediately? What used to happen in six months now needs to happen in two dates.
But the risk of this is that chemistry is a dangerous little trick. You know who I have chemistry with? Losers. Mellie's the same. A lot of us are. In the rush to feel the rush, we fall for guys that have charisma, sexy eyes, smooth voices, minimum wage jobs, mama issues, commitment phobias, and more interest in their cars than their 401K's.
But hand me a sweet, responsible, intelligent God-fearing man, I will give him about fifteen minutes of my time before I shove him to the side in pursuit of shivers up my spine.
There have to HAVE TO be men out there that have their shit together and are still attractive to the opposite sex. Where are they?!?! I am losing my mind and several of my morals in this quest. Obama needs to skip health care and instead focus on a law that requires all quality, single men and women to be put in a line up where we can just look at each other. It would be a law so there would not the be the stigma of online dating or set ups. You have to do it or you get shot. Period. That would be lovely.
Now I must go and write my congresswoman.
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
PS. enjoy your halloweeen!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Oc tober 23, 2009 or the Big Norton
Let the trumpets sound for the new addition to the blog:
THE BIG NORTON OF THE MONTH!
The Big Norton is a name my sister, Grace and my bro-in law, Spencer, came up with to replace douche. It's named after a buttery wine that we drank one weekend at a winery in Rocheport. No real reason, just liked the name Big Norton.THE BIG NORTON OF THE MONTH!
AND THE WINNER OF OCTOBER'S BIG NORTON AWARD is....
David.
This is David's story.
The story starts with a friend of mine. She wished to not be referred to by her real name or her pseudonym. So I will name her - Gladys.
Gladys recently ended a long relationship and has been propelled back into the dating world. She was relying mostly on sugar daddies to get her fix until a friend suggested she go out with David. David was a teacher, an artist and a hottie. Gladys was so excited she decided to do the unthinkable.
She decided to not have sex with him.
She and David met for coffee on their first date and had a great time. Gladys mentioned she was going to a thrift store in Alton, Illinois that Saturday to find a specific costume for her work and David jumped at the chance to go with her. Our little Gladys was thrilled that a man wanted to do quirky things with her. He was interesting and interested...the perfect combo.
When he invited her to Ohio for a cartoonists convention that next weekend, she thought about it for a bit. An overnight would involve a bed. But she decided that since she really liked him and she had never been to a cartoonists convention, she might as well head up there. She was paying for a hotel room for them since he was "just going to sleep on a friend's couch." That might pose a problem. Hotel sex rocks.
In the hotel the first night, they started making out. Gladys was resolved though and refused to sleep with him. He was okay with that. Welllll, kinda. "I respect that," was what he said. In man speak, that means, "I'm going to ask you again in 48 hours, but for now, I will just deal with the discomfort in my nether regions."
48 hours later, he pressed her again. She refused. This apparently spurred the following statement from David.
"I have HPV."
Right. Um. That might be helpful to know, but pretty irrelevant since there is no sex on the horizon.
Gladys, not being one to judge, continued to be interested in David despite this sudden new information. In fact, she was willing to have him over to watch a movie the following week. But before they snuggled on the couch, Gladys needed food. Food in the form of IHOP pancakes. David obliged. They went to IHOP and split an omelet and pancake meal.
The waitress brought the check over and Gladys thought nothing of it. Until the bill remained in the same spot fifteen minutes later. David wouldn't even look at it. The white elephant sat on the table for another half an hour until Gladys, full and uncomfortable from the pancakes, grabbed the bill. Then she waited and when he didn't respond, she put a five on the table for a tip. They walked up to the register together. Gladys paused, bill in hand for just a second. Perhaps he was waiting to get out a check card and pay now. Nope. David went and stood by the door staring at her.
Did I mention that Gladys has already paid for a hotel room for a weekend that he invited her on? I did? Oh good. What man cannot afford $15.00 worth of pancakes and coffee?
Gladys is, and rightfully so, pissed on the way back to her house. She's pissed as they watch the movie together. She's pissed as they are making out (don't judge her, you've done it.) She was pissed again when he asked if she had any condoms so they could have sex. She reminded him, yet again, that there was no way they were doing anything. (No pancakes...no booty. It's a universal rule.)
When he fell asleep at midnight, Gladys, still pissed, was wide awake. She woke David up and told him to go home. She needed to do laundry and wasn't tired. He left. She didn't hear from him for a week. Figuring he was put off by the late night kick-out, she moved on.
Then, on a Thursday night at about 2 am, David called her. This is how it goes:
D: Hey. What are you up to?
G: Sleeping.
D: Oh. Right. So, I just sent you an email, but after I sent it I thought I should call you.
G: Uh, ok.
G: So...here we are. What's up?
D: I forgot to tell you something.
G: Well, go ahead.
D: I don't have HPV.
G:Oh good.
D: I have herpes.
G: That's quite an announcement.
And then, like all us good girl/crazy magnets, Gladys proceeded to talk to David and try to make him feel better about himself. They got off the phone and she went to sleep. The next day, she reads the email from him that also informs her of his herpes and replies, "I don't think we should see each other anymore. I just don't think this is for me."
He has asked her out everyday since.
So thank you David for your overinflated ego, unprotected sex drive and cheap tightwad of an ass. You are October's Big Norton.
If you would like to nominate November's BN, just buy me some pancakes and tell me the story over coffee!
Until Next Friday,
Pauline
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