Thursday, July 8, 2010
So, the spinster is getting married. The irony is not lost on me.
May it bring hope to others that there are diamonds in the rough - promise. And if you haven't found one, fuck it - being single is pretty amazing sometimes!
Friday, April 30, 2010
But I have fallen in love and my life is going in a different direction.
And so it is with a mildly heavy heart that I am writing my last blog entry for "A Date by Friday."
If you just noticed this blog, go ahead and start from the beginning. There is no time line here; bad dating experiences are timeless. Hopefully you will get something out of my blog - even if it is just a laugh.
And if you are an editor...my book is still up for sale.
Friday, April 9, 2010
It's Wedding Season in my world. I am now up to six weddings for the 2010 season, the first of which is in two weeks. I am very excited: I adore this couple and am happy for them to finally get married, I'm betting it's open bar, the old gang is getting back together, I have a new dress, and Bryan is coming with me. It will be our first wedding together. That's always a treat. He gets dressed in a suit and tie - yummy. He holds your hand as the couple exchange vows. Then there is the slow dancing. I love a good slow dance and I am excited to get a chance to sway back and forth with my boyfriend. So, I am looking forward to this wedding for several reasons.
Some of my single friends are going to weddings without boyfriends. In exchange I know that they have asked some of their girlfriends to be their dates. For some ridiculous reason, some of these friends are refusing said invitation.
Are you insane?! I don't care if you know the couple or not. This is not about them. Its about you, so let's be selfish here. A wedding is the perfect place to meet someone. I learned this early on. Brad was a boy I met at the wedding of my cousin back in 1992. He was the DJ's son and was there to help his dad set up. He was adorable with brown hair and freckles. Our eyes met at dinner, and we slow danced and small talked all night. I still have a cocktail napkin from that wedding tucked away in a chest somewhere at my parent's house. Since then, I have always enjoyed wedding hookups. Everyone is dressed to the nine's, dancing, happy and drunk. When I was single, I would go to any wedding I could. There are DJ's, bartenders, bouncers, caterers, ministers, and of course friends of the couple whom you would never meet if you were not at this particular wedding. Endless possibilities.
So, as the season begins, I encourage you all to go to weddings as emergency dates. If you are single and dateless for a wedding, do not go alone! Take a friend. A single friend. Hey, if you don't meet anyone, at least you enjoyed the open bar.
Until Next Friday,
Friday, April 2, 2010
When I became single in 2006, I started the daunting task of looking attractive at 28 years old in order to compete with the recent college grads also looking to hook a mate. Aside from losing a little padding weight and buying contacts, I also started growing out my hair. Alongside this, I bought a hair straightener. Viola! A look was born. I have been known for my long, blonde, parted on the side, stick straight hair for three years now.
Most single girls have long hair. Not all, but in general, if you take a poll, men prefer longer hair. It just is. Don't blame me. Alas, women work this length in an effort to lure a man. I did. And it worked. I know
But that was a long four months ago. Yes, we have made it four months. This is a record for me. And after these four, long, blissful months, I began to look at my crowning glory in a different way. It got in my face (and his) when we were making out. In order to get ready for our dates, I had to schedule a half an hour in for straightening time or else my hair would get a funky kink in it. And, to be frank, the shower became a place for more that just putting a second coat of conditioner on my hair to get out the tangles.
I knew that I needed to get my hair cut, but I was nervous. I didn't want the "girlfriend bob." Ladies, you know.
When a woman gets a man, it is as though she no longer needs to be sexy and the hair loses a good six inches, and is perfectly even on the bottom. A bob. I have rocked a bob before, and it is butchy on me. I don't own a chin...so it kinda emphasizes this. (Are the men still even reading? Or have you given up?)
I needed a hair cut but was very torn on how to approach it so that I didn't look like I was giving up on my sex appeal since I landed a man.
I think I have conquered it. I no longer sport the straight, even, long hair down to my bra strap, but no bob graces my face either. I would like to share my knowledge so that you who are single and trying to explore mating season can benefit from my knowledge when you land the man of your dreams and suddenly start hating your hair.
1. Make sure you are not one week away from or on your period. Bad things happen here. I believe this time of the month is where the two phrases, "I just want it gone!" and "I think I need to go back to my natural hair color" come from. Bad. Bad idea.
2. Go through the magazine rack at home/store/library. Pull the styles you like that are similar to your own cut, but have a little something extra. No extremes. Like you...but different.
3. Find old pictures of you. The worse the better. These will remind you of what did not work for you. If it looked like shit on your head when you were 22, it will look worse now. Trust me. And
4. Yes. I said salon. S-A-L-O-N! You must go to a good stylist. I drove to
5. Think layers, not length. You should retain your long hair if it worked for you. I look like a chinless man with a pixie cut and a chinless, obese four year old with a bob. Long hair hides my lack of a jaw and slims my chubby cheeks down. So I went for a layered long hair look. Only long sweeping bangs, no blunts. Tell your stylist, "I like the length, but it needs a style."
6. Talk to your boyfriend. Who knows? You might have one of the small minority that really like hair cut to your ears or shorter. If so, getting it chopped will still be an option for him.
7. NEVER NEVER NEVER get a dye job and a new cut on the same day. Patience, grasshopper; there is time.
(Once you get married and kids we will discuss the Mom Cut, but for now, let's just all keep our hair pretty, okay?)
Until Next Friday,
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
My other friends are either dropping like flies into the marriage soup, not dating at all, or no longer talking to me since I met Bryan.
I stare at my laptop screen for minutes at a time at this little typing box going, "Well, fuck if I know what to write about!" I don't want to write about Bryan, even though he is perfect. We aren't funny, and the things I would write about are very personal. And I really don't want to cheat on him just to have stories to write about involving bad dates.
So, here I sit. Is there anything people would like me to write about? Because I am stumped. Or, I could stop altogether and you would have one less blog to read.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Spring! Can you believe it? March is here. Stupid February is out. Hallelujah.
With Spring comes what used to be my favorite time of the year as a single person - mating season. Yes, we like the rabbits, sheep and cows look to this time of year as a celebration of sex and the ones we share it with.
Mating season is a little different for me now. Now it means that my boyfriend will - in the next 3 months - be seeing me in a two-piece swimsuit and therefore I need to get my fatty act together. It means that we can walk to dogs in Forest Park for more than 15 minutes before Stella's feet freeze off. It means snuggling under a sheet with the windows open instead of hiding under eight down comforters because my heat is broken (not that I was complaining).
But I am getting to enjoy another part of mating season. Namely, watching other people go on dates. I feel like that 80 year old grandma who sits back and reunions and listens to the young whipper-snappers talk about their crazy lives, "Yes, yes. I TOO remember those days of boys who licked my face as a first kiss..."
I have the best boyfriend in the world. It's true, don't bother arguing the point.
But listening to my friends talk about their dates that "forget their wallets," or spanked their butts while leaving the restaurant on a first date, or have three emails waiting for them at home immediately following the date...well, it sends me back.
And one thing about this time gone by is that through all of these bad dates, I realized what I wanted so that when Bryan showed up - I knew he was perfect.
My vision for my second book (as soon as an editor wants my first book that is. Hint hint.) is called A Date by Friday. It is an experimental book about what would happen if all single people who were looking for love FORCED themselves to ask out a person every week or say yes to the people that asks you out. Either way, you had, HAD, to get a date by Friday. What would happen to the grocery stores, parking lots, gyms, bars, parks and work spaces of America? They would flourish, that's what. What would happen to the characters in the book?
Who's with me?! Try it. This week, starting tomorrow. Saturday. March 6. 2010. you are going to get a date by Friday. March 12. 2010. Not a husband or wife, not a lover, just a date. Make it a bet or game with your friends.
Until Next Friday - oh, no. Wait. Not next Friday. Next week is the worst week of my year at work. Okay. Until Next Next Friday,
Friday, February 26, 2010
For about 2 years, I attended a grand total of 3 weddings. There was this great chasm of the marrieds and the singles. No one was in a "relationship." You either had or had not.
Then about a year ago, a bunch of friends met men or women. When you are in your thirties, a year = a full decade, so these bunches of friends are collectively (thanks to several consecutive holidays) getting engaged.
In the past two months I have gotten 6 -SIX! - announcements of engagements. And as a year is a decade in relationship time, wedding planning is now shrinking to 6 months instead of the 15 month average of our twenties. These weddings are all this year between April and December.
This time it is different. I like these engaged couples of the 30's. They have couples showers that are more like happy hours with gifts and no lame ass games. They don't have 18 bridesmaids and they are having weddings at bars, parks and wineries instead of large reception halls with tables that seat 30. And the registries are a riot! Top of the line all the way. Why? Because at 30, we already have all the stuff we need for survival. If you don't own a blender by now...you don't need a blender. So the stuff on registries is TOP OF THE LINE.
"Yeah, I got a toaster, but now that I am getting married...I want a silver-plated, 25 digital setting, 6-slot bread holding toaster. Oh, and it's solar powered."
I love it. Why? Because after toughing out your 20's single and going to hundreds of showers and being bridesmaids for all your sorority friends, you deserve a $300 toaster. I ain't buying it for you, but someone, somewhere owes you that in bridal and baby showers alone - not to mention bachelorette parties you have thrown together.
I am excited for these couples and their weddings. For one reason, I love when Bryan is all dressed up for a party, he's almost edible, but more importantly - I get a new dress to wear. Maybe even new shoes. Oh, who am I kidding? I'd get new shoes without a good excuse.
Until Next Friday,
Friday, February 19, 2010
What do you do if silly putty (see last blog) gets his stuff together right after you and turns out to live a perfect, happy life without you??? Take pride in the fact you got him there and wait for karma to kick in?
Thanks for the question Shay. Has one of your many many crazies gotten it together or are you hypothesizing?
Two fold answer here.
First of all I have returned to some exes that claim they have gotten their shit together and at first, it does seem as though they had. Quinn and Jake were both exes and at first both seemed to have crossed the border into manhood. For the first - ohhhh - 3 weeks. Then the little moments started occurring: forgotten phone calls, random girls calling in the middle of the night, little angry freak outs aimed at perfect strangers, etc. So I don't believe that a jackass changes its
spots too often. Maturity makes a difference, but at 30+, the deal is sealed.
Secondly- and this may come off harsh- maybe you can't heal the world. You might not have been what he needed. Why should a man (or woman) be good for only us? There might be a better -GASP- girlfriend out there. What's more, if this man miraculously turns out to be a keeper in the end, then you might have been part of the problem. The dreaded "enabler." Did you allow him to smoke pot before dinner with your parents? Did you pay for dinner when he accidentally forgot to pay his last car payment, resulting in a late fee that depleted his bank account for the next 2 weeks? Did you pay every month this happened?
My problem is that I am someone else's silly putty...the "one that got away" and he regrets f-ing up and losing. And now he won't go away and leave me alone. I have the new man, who more than erased the ex in my mind, but what the hell do you do when you are the silly putty in someone else's mind and you don't wanna be?! grrrrrr!
Take if from a girl who has notes put in a Ziploc and placed on her windshield in the middle of the night that there is nothing you can do. I tried talking to ex-boyfriends who wouldn't leave me alone and reasoning with them that I was never going to be with them. It doesn't help. You must go on a no communication initiative. That means none. Not even to tell them to leave you alone. Block phone numbers and emails, unfriend from Facebook, and never answer the door when they knock. Eventually they will go away. If not...taser them.
Until Next Friday,
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The weird part about this fella is that he tends to be a total dick. Total dick. He's rude, he probably doesn't have a job, might have some baby mama drama, stood you up constantly and had commitment issues.
But he was charming. Oh fuck was he charming. So much so that after you end it with him, the worst thing in the world happens - he gets better. He's no longer standing you up, making you go to tractor pulls, critiquing your cooking, etc. Now he is just that hot guy who swept you a few months ago with great sex and that grows and grows in fantasy until you are screwed.
Last night one of my friends got a text from her friend who was working at Applebee's. "Todd's here," the text said. My friend freaked; I mean she (a 30 year old woman) started screeching at the sushi bar. Todd was her Silly Putty from 3 years ago. Apparently, Todd ain't got a job, fooled around and made Alicia drive all the time because his car was always "acting funny." On top of that, all they really ever did was have sex. But Todd was hot and charming and the idea of him eating chicken fingers at Applebee's on a Friday night sent her into a tizzy. I'm pretty postive that after we left the bar, she accidentally dropped into Applebee's. I will have to check on that.
Which reminded my other friend of her Silly Putty. Christa is going on a lunch date today with what seems to be a nice, but nerdy guy. But Silly Putty is still in the back of her mind, lurking. She knows Silly is a bad deal she's helpless.
You can't talk these exes out of your head. You cannot use the power of reason or time. There are only two cures.
1. You meet the right one. I know, I even hate myself for saying it because it is so cheesy, but Bryan made all my Silly Putty disappear. Instantly. That is why if you have a Silly Putty in your life, you have to start dating. The bad ones will make this ex look even better, so that is a risk you have to take. The good one will be a mind eraser.
2. You have to rehook up with him. Also super risky! This can only be attempted after a hiatus of 1+ years. Don't go into this after 3 months. But after a year or so, if he is willing, go back out with him and try it again. Chances are, you might actually see that he wasn't really so much charming as you were young, insecure, or horny. The sex might not be as good as you remember. But you can't hang it up right then. The trick to the rehook up is this - You must a) date him until he physically repulses you and b) you have to end it. Do not give him a chance to break it off or you will be at square one again.
(PS. No! There is no, "And who knows...he might have changed and is a really good guy now." Don't bank on it. Step out of that pipe dream. He's still a douche.)
Our dating world will become way more productive if we kick these exes to the figurative curve. Then maybe they will all hook up and make each other miserable while we move on.
Until Next Friday,